Stop!

I need to stop ranting on and on about my life.

I guess...

My life really fucked up big time lately
(here i go again!)

My dang Swatch stopped for no reason,
my cheap Panasonic FX-10 fell into a waterfall,
the line-in slot on my laptop screwed,
my IP address was blocked for downloading POKEMON for my friends,
my favorite NiIKE cap that cost me NT750 was ran over by a car,
I lost my phone,
there's a gazillion mosquitoes stinging me every night ever since the seasons transition a couple days ago,
the stupid weather i so fucking hot, and yet, the fucking university just wouldn't turn on the warm water earlier just so i wouldn't have to suffer icy cold bath,
i can't understand a word my moronic Chinese lesson lecturer utter about ZHUANG ZI,
and i have since succumbed into a very deep depression.

Argh!!!!

定律 Laws

太陽公轉,
地球自轉,
兩兩都不會轉同一個方向...

自然的定律啊...

有時候,
我覺得我就是那顆恆星.

我永遠出類拔萃,
可是我無法與行星們轉往同個方向,
因為那只會干擾自然的定律,
而且,
我不想因為為了與他人一樣,
而失去自與我.

我永遠閃發那光芒,
可是沒人看得見我那熾熱的內心,
有的時候,
是多麼的嗆心刺肺...

所以,
身為恆星,大概也只有努力轉往我自己的方向.

寂寞與孤獨,
大概只有偶爾劃過的彗星們看得見吧...

The Solar rotation,
and
the Earth rotation,
will never be on the same direction.

I guess, that's the nature's law...

Sometimes,
it's as though i am the Sun.

I'll always be different,
and i'll never be able to rotate on the same direction as the other planets,
because that is the law of the universe,
besides,
i refuse to lose myself along
my compliance with other's principles.

I'll always shine brightly,
but no one knows how suffocating and tormenting
it is to yield that immense heat in me...

And so, as the Sun,
i'm destined to go on my own way,
alone.

Probably,
only comets which glides through occasionally will notice,
the pangs of loneliness i feel,
and the tears i shed.

孤獨

"每個人, 生來就不應該孤獨..."
可是, 對一個人來說, 什麼才是孤獨?
什麼又是"愛"的定義?

或許,對某些人來說,溫柔的感覺是另一種感傷;
而感傷不應該連結到另一個人的溫柔.

你已經有他就不應該再有我

所以,
我知難而退,

但,我卻沒有力氣這麼做

大概,孤獨著感覺,
才是我最好的朋友吧...

No one deserves to be alone in this world,
but, what is the real meaning of aloneness?
And what is the real meaning behind the word "love"?

Perhaps, to some, the feeling of comfort is the alternate of sorrow;
and sorrow shouldn't affect the comfort of others.

I shouldn’t be around, with another present.

That is why,
I choose to take a step backwards;

save for, I have no vigor to do so.

Maybe,
just maybe,
the "real" friend i have is the pangs of solitude.

Silent plea.

What are friends?

All these times, I always thought of friends are some people who will be with you, accompany you, share laughter and sorrow together and the deepest secrets in each other’s heart without any sense of despise.

Well, at least that’s what it says in textbooks and the dictionary.

I never really knew what is it like having one of those “friends” people kept talking about. All my life, I knew I was different from the other kids. I think too much, it’s like my mind wandered to some distance area that I never knew of. Mentally speaking, I am always different from other boys my age. I’m always the freakish kid, or so I perceive myself as one.

Ever since I was in my primary school, I never dare to walk along the so called “catwalk” in the cafeteria due to my low self esteem and lack of confidence, because I’m always afraid of how people will look at me. I never thought much about this, but it was not until I brought this matter up to my counselor. She asked me what is it that is freaking me out, and which part of you do you think they’re looking at? It was then that question hit me hard, as I failed to answer on why and where.

A couple weeks ago, Professor Brink saw me walking hastily in the cafeteria; he stopped me and asked me to join him for dinner. No doubt we conversed in perfectly spoken English, but I just couldn’t handle the pressure and glances of the people from other tables. I don’t know why, weren’t I supposed to feel proud of myself for the perfect English?

I found out about my sexual orientation way back when I was only a mere 12 year’s old kid, although I tried hard to deny it. After achieving some really outstanding results in my primary school, I was accepted into the best school in the nation. I wasn’t really happy with it, and yet, I don’t know why. That’s when my performance goes downhill. I was placed in the B grade classes in my second year, and was allocated even further to the C grade classes in my third year. I was naïve to pick up the Science major, and I ended up being in the very last class (we have 9 classes in total).

I knew I should feel blessed for having a couple “Friends” along the way; some were real supportive and nice. But all they do were come and go. I was always the little satellite orbiting around them. People deem me as the soft, nice, loving, friendly guy who’d listen to people’s rants and babbles.

Last week, I literally burst in front of my roommate/”friend” whom I have a real deep crush on, by asking him to think of me more rather than only himself. All the time, out of my liking on him, I listen to him talked on and on about which girl he’s tryi9ng to hit on. Does he ever let me have the chance to talk at least a bit of “me”? Some said I’m a saint, but there are times…no, all the while, I need someone to listen to me talk, to listen to me and in turn, lend me a shoulder.

I’m a little worried about my mental state these few days. I’ve been crying for no reason on the verandah, but still have to act as if nothing bothered me in front of others.

Another thing is, I never really dared to look at my own reflection on the mirror. Due to my dangerously low level of self esteem, I can’t bear to look at my physical feature and will try hard to conceal myself out in the public by engulfing my head with a cap, so low you could barely see my eyes. I always think of myself as ugly and unattractive. I know this sound shallow, but as the nature’s law goes, if you’re gonna find a mate, you’ll need to be pretty. A fact that is real unfair…

At times, how I wish I’m normal like all the others, blindly chasing a bunch of skanky chicks, listen to brainless Chinese songs, play sports. I never really ask for much in my pathetic life, I only want someone whom I can talk from anything to everything, a shoulder to lean on, an embrace, a person to look out and look after for. Maybe you’d say I’m too young to put so much of my mind in these matters, but people just don’t realize how hard it is being different, being me!

Sure, I’m gay, and no doubt, I strongly stand on my gender classification, but sometimes, I just feel as if I’m neither here nor there. I know for a fact that I’m a man, and I won’t change that, but the society has been stressing on and on what and how a guy should really be. Am I not a man if I’m not good at sports? Do I have to exude strong masculinity to show that I am in fact a “man”? Being gay, yeah, sure, I am gay, but I’m not thinking of jabbing an earring, nor dress flamboyantly like some drag, or flaunt my hand and walk like some freak that has a stick in the butt.

Feeling neither here nor there is depressing, like a freaking bat, or a platypus, being alone in a group of being the only one classified into a particular group.

Its hard being and feeling alone all the time. I never said I’m always sitting in my room facing the computer without anyone to talk to. Sure, there are always people around me, surrounding me. And sure, they do talk to me, but guess what, the reason they’ll talk to me is/might because they 1.) have nothing better to do, 2.)no one else to talk to, 3.)Need my help.

I just need someone to talk to, that’s all. A friend, a real friend. Not many people know how or what I’m feeling most of the time because I’m constantly afraid of the possibility of others hating me for being vulnerable. This is a silent plea, I guess.

盛夏光年 Eternal Summer

I haven’t felt this depress for ages. After finished watching the movie Eternal Summer (盛夏光年) last night, I literally cried for more than 2 hours.

What is the definition of the word”friend”? I’ve been hiding my feelings toward HIM ever since I first laid eyes on him. For so long, I listened to him talking, we always have dinner together, and we always share gossips and personal stuff on the verandah, enjoying the chilly wind.

Shou Heng: We’re friends, what can’t u tell me?

Zeng Xing: Would you still be my friend after hearing this?

I never really thought of you as merely a “friend”

I like you.

The scene where they trade this lines made me burst into tears.

The movie opened with a quote saying that a satellite planet will always surround a planet…maybe my life is how this goes, I’m always someone else’s satellite.

Sometimes, I guess everyone has an eternal summer of their own. I never really had any “real” friends whom I can share anything and everything openly. All my life, I keep everything inside me. Sometimes, I just wish there is/was a person in my life whom I can lend a shoulder to cry on. Just when I thought I found the ONE, fate disagrees with me, splitting us on summer of 2005.

Sometimes, I just wished that I should have just been all alone my life, instead of liking the person but at the same time knowing that being together is utterly impossible.

The movie depicts two young boys in Hualien County, one being an overactive kid while the other being a goody two shoes. The story started off as the 2 boys befriending each other as relatively impossible. The goody two shoes, Zeng Xing was a little reluctant to being Shou Heng’s friend. But along the way, their friendship grew. When they were in high school, there came a girl who gets into the relationship of the 2 boys. Zeng Xing loved him but he himself retreat to being the satellite planet of Shou Heng and the girl Hui Jia. While studying in a university in Taipei, things got even worst between the three of them. There came the 921 earthquake. Zeng Xing couldn’t help it but embrace Shou Heng tightly, his first instinct, to protect him. The story ended with Zeng Xing leaved after having sex with Shou Heng, but later on Shou Heng drag him and Hui Jia to the famous Hualien Seven Stars Beach (七星潭), where Zeng Xing confess his feelings to Shou Heng.

Alternatively, the novel which the movie was based on depicts Zeng Xing left after the having sex with Shou Heng. Shou Heng, although secured their friendship with the intimacy, and realized his true feelings towards Zeng Xing, but out of fear and, he broke up with Hui Jia and went on his life until 5 years later, after Zeng Xing died (although the reason remained unexplained), on his memorial, Shou Heng finally confessed that

“我想，原來這就是「懷念」的感覺，懷念一個曾經愛過的人。
當我開始學會懷念了，才終於有勇氣，跟他說一聲。
再見。”

“I guess, this is how missing someone felt, missing someone who I once love. It Is until I learned how to missed, finally I have the courage to tell him, goodbye”

Personally, I’d much prefer the alternative ending, and that the movie could be way better. But still, not a movie since Titanic, Brokeback Mountain, Peaceful Warrior and the latest, The Bucket List come close to milking tears out of me for over 2 hours.

Yi-Lan (宜蘭) Trip

Britney Spears Not That Messed Up

Troubled pop diva Britney Spears shocked her critics by delivering a stunning guest performance on the CBS TV series How I Met Your Mother, which aired Monday night.

According to reviews, Ms. Spears played her role with commitment, focus, and a true sense of purpose—much the same way she applies herself to self-destructive partying and tediously predictable crotch shots.

"I wanted to prove I could still get the job done," an enthusiastic and remarkably coherent Spears told reporters Tuesday. "It was important for me to reveal my deeply private inner self through the medium of acting, in much the same way I let paparazzi see my cooter."

Members of the popular television show's cast and crew reacted favorably to the unpredictable and bouncy siren's comeback.

"Britney's a delight to work with," said series regular Neil Patrick Harris, "and extremely underrated in terms of her dedication to the acting craft. She never fell down or vomited on the set, not even once."

It was a thrilling comeback for the former Mouseketeer, following her high-profile arrests, hospitalizations, child-custody battles, divorce from Kevin Federline, and general skankiness.

A previous attempt at regaining her credibility ended badly last September when Ms. Spears appeared live at the MTV Video Music Awards. The audience failed to appreciate her carefully constructed and emotionally complex impersonation of a listless, chemical-abusing, out-of-shape, sleepwalking, Los Angeles strip club dancer.

Life Still Has A Meaning

If there is a future there is time for mending-
Time to see your troubles coming to an ending.

Life is never hopeless however great your sorrow-
If you're looking forward to a new tomorrow.

If there is time for wishing then there is time for hoping-
When through doubt and darkness you are blindly groping.

Though the heart be heavy and hurt you may be feeling-
If there is time for praying there is time for healing.

So if through your window there is a new day breaking-
Thank God for the promise, though mind and soul be aching,

If with harvest over there is grain enough for gleaning-
There is a new tomorrow and life still has meaning.

Unconditional Love

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring home with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know, their son had only one arm and one leg.

The parents in this story are like many of us. We find it easy to love those who are good-looking or fun to have around, but we don't like people who inconvenience us or make us feel uncomfortable. We would rather stay away from people who aren't as healthy, beautiful, or smart as we are. Thankfully, there's someone who won't treat us that way. Someone who loves us with an unconditional love that welcomes us into the forever family, regardless of how messed up we are.

Tonight, before you tuck yourself in for the night, say a little prayer that God will give you the strength you need to accept people as they are, and to help us all be more understanding of those who are different from us!!!

There's a miracle called Friendship That dwells in the heart You don't know how it happens Or when it gets started But you know the special lift It always brings And you realize that Friendship Is God's most precious gift!

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.

International Stupid Club

The past weekend has to be the worst 2 days of my life.
I was stupid and naive for joining those bunch of freaks
to Yi-Lan County (宜蘭縣) for a field trip.

I knew i couldn't mix well with them,
but thanks to my stupid retarded brain,
i thought "why not?"
That thought cost me my 2 days of R&R, my camera and my dignity.

I mean, who in the world karaoke for 5 hours straight on a bus??!!
And another 6 hours at the motel, with an additional 5 hours on the way back?
Geez. They sound worst than pigs being butchered.

Anyway, my camera fell into the waterfall,
i've had less than 2 hours of sleep,
i've to endure their shriek and screams,
no one but Hueih Ling, Jun Ying, Qiao Qian, Mei Yan, Xing Mei would talk to me.
There goes my precious weekend.
Along with my camera.

And my dang Swatch died,
oh, and my goddamn laptop's mic slot.

Welcome to my fucked up life.

I think i wanna start an opposition International Student Association,
recruiting those international student that were being treat unfairly.

Ma Ying Jeou won, DAP and other opposition party won more seats than UMNO predicted,
so why can't i?