69 for my Chinese Literature paper!!!

Oh God, at least something turn out to be on my side,
I actually scored 69% for my Chinese literature paper!!!!!

My jaw literally fell apart when i receive my paper.
Guess the philosophy of ZHUANG ZHI wasn't that complicated as waht i perceive it to be after all...

All in all, something did came out right, i guess.
Hope the good luck streak will last...

Anyway, off to memorize my lines now as the Pharaoh (did i got the spelling right?) in King Lear for the stage play that is set to be on the English Department Week. Sigh...
I'm tired.

Curse that stupid earthquake that happened this morning (heard it was 4.1 degree on the Ritcher Scale) which shook me awake. Sheesh..

Trip to TaiChung

My new haircut. The girls said it's cute, i thought otherwise.
Once again, i didn't really had any real fun from this trip. Not that i'm saying it's a waste of time, because believe me, i wish the trip was a little longer, but it's my relationship with others, again.

I was trying real hard to ignore the gaze of the two ex monitors of my class. Sure, i'm an amateur in handling these sort of responsibilities, but i myself have my own way of doing things, just don't look at me as if i didn't try hard to make things right or whatever.

I myself was pissed and tired the day we leave. I had full day class from 8:00 a.m. till 12 noon, 1:30 to 3:20 being my exam in the language centre, and i was trying really really hard not to break anyone's neck by saying it's ok to everyone. What was wrong with you people? I mean, i have to rush back to my school area at Jie Ren st. by 3.50, and change into the horrendous looking uniforms, apply for trip insurance, collect money, and you people were tellingme that you decided not to join the trip 20 minutes BEFORE the trip? I was scolded like a dog who did everything wrong by the people in the humanities department, and yet, i have to put on a straight face to those who thinks they can do things better than i am! All the while, i was afraid if my arrangements was faulty or whatever, and tried in vain to lighten up the mood, and all you people could do to shaow gratitute is by giving me the look that label me as guilty????

S****/Z## (same person), i thought you're a great person, with an equally good heart, but the way you humiliate that freaky martial art dude in our class today just pulled the last straw. I am, indeed, dissapointed in you.

It seems God kept pulling tricks on me. After the bitter experience from the trip, and now that dang V*** W*** deleted 90% of the pictures that i've taken on this trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, is my demeanor and behavior makes me unappraochable?

It seems there's an invisble sign on my face that keeps people away. No one seems to want to talk to me! Do i look too ugly or what? Or was it my breath? Or????

Sometimes, i feel so alone i don't even know if i should cry or whatever...

Read.

Busy as a Bee

Whew, one more paper to go next tuesday,
means at least i have some time to get a good sleep and some R&R.

I wish!

I was told on wednesday that i'll have to head up to Taipei
for my GEPT (General English Proficiency Test) at the snobby National Taipei University.

And there goes my precious saturday.

Just when i thought i'll have the next saturday to rest,
something else came up.

I'll have to head on to TaiChung for a trip.
Geez.

By the way, after much struggle, i've decided to move back to the room i used to lived in last semester. Although it stinks here (far worst than the recycling centre across the gym), but still, i haven't had the best luck ever since i moved up to the room i presently lived in, so i'm guessing it's the Fengshui thing that hasn't been agreeing with my luck.

And now, i'm back,
to this filthy, stinky, flies infested room mounted with a truckload of trash.
But i'd rather live here than the room up there,
at least i feel acceptep, and belonged,
instead of rejected, and ignored.

The Cikgu Lim gang

These were taken about 2 months ago, at Cikgu Lim's home.

七星潭 Chisingtan Beach

Will be taking more pictures of the beach next week after my mid terms.

He knew.

He asked me to join him for lunch,
which i reluctantly areed, since ya'll know why.

But he surprised me by telling me that he knew
my feelings toward him all along,
which he casually ignored.

It was the first time that i was able to
talk to him openly about my feelings to him.

Albeit the fuss i made,
he still remained calm and positive about the situation.
And i thank him for that.

Probably, chances are me being with him is a huge zilch.
I guess i'll try to forget about it,
and start being a friend.

It's just...
it tears me up inside,
and i ain't sure where i am suppose to cry at right now.

Maybe ever since i accepted my identity,
i was destined to suffer from this sort of matters...

.....

Stop!

I need to stop ranting on and on about my life.

I guess...

My life really fucked up big time lately
(here i go again!)

My dang Swatch stopped for no reason,
my cheap Panasonic FX-10 fell into a waterfall,
the line-in slot on my laptop screwed,
my IP address was blocked for downloading POKEMON for my friends,
my favorite NiIKE cap that cost me NT750 was ran over by a car,
I lost my phone,
there's a gazillion mosquitoes stinging me every night ever since the seasons transition a couple days ago,
the stupid weather i so fucking hot, and yet, the fucking university just wouldn't turn on the warm water earlier just so i wouldn't have to suffer icy cold bath,
i can't understand a word my moronic Chinese lesson lecturer utter about ZHUANG ZI,
and i have since succumbed into a very deep depression.

Argh!!!!

定律 Laws

太陽公轉,
地球自轉,
兩兩都不會轉同一個方向...

自然的定律啊...

有時候,
我覺得我就是那顆恆星.

我永遠出類拔萃,
可是我無法與行星們轉往同個方向,
因為那只會干擾自然的定律,
而且,
我不想因為為了與他人一樣,
而失去自與我.

我永遠閃發那光芒,
可是沒人看得見我那熾熱的內心,
有的時候,
是多麼的嗆心刺肺...

所以,
身為恆星,大概也只有努力轉往我自己的方向.

寂寞與孤獨,
大概只有偶爾劃過的彗星們看得見吧...

The Solar rotation,
and
the Earth rotation,
will never be on the same direction.

I guess, that's the nature's law...

Sometimes,
it's as though i am the Sun.

I'll always be different,
and i'll never be able to rotate on the same direction as the other planets,
because that is the law of the universe,
besides,
i refuse to lose myself along
my compliance with other's principles.

I'll always shine brightly,
but no one knows how suffocating and tormenting
it is to yield that immense heat in me...

And so, as the Sun,
i'm destined to go on my own way,
alone.

Probably,
only comets which glides through occasionally will notice,
the pangs of loneliness i feel,
and the tears i shed.

孤獨

"每個人, 生來就不應該孤獨..."
可是, 對一個人來說, 什麼才是孤獨?
什麼又是"愛"的定義?

或許,對某些人來說,溫柔的感覺是另一種感傷;
而感傷不應該連結到另一個人的溫柔.

你已經有他就不應該再有我

所以,
我知難而退,

但,我卻沒有力氣這麼做

大概,孤獨著感覺,
才是我最好的朋友吧...

No one deserves to be alone in this world,
but, what is the real meaning of aloneness?
And what is the real meaning behind the word "love"?

Perhaps, to some, the feeling of comfort is the alternate of sorrow;
and sorrow shouldn't affect the comfort of others.

I shouldn’t be around, with another present.

That is why,
I choose to take a step backwards;

save for, I have no vigor to do so.

Maybe,
just maybe,
the "real" friend i have is the pangs of solitude.

Silent plea.

What are friends?

All these times, I always thought of friends are some people who will be with you, accompany you, share laughter and sorrow together and the deepest secrets in each other’s heart without any sense of despise.

Well, at least that’s what it says in textbooks and the dictionary.

I never really knew what is it like having one of those “friends” people kept talking about. All my life, I knew I was different from the other kids. I think too much, it’s like my mind wandered to some distance area that I never knew of. Mentally speaking, I am always different from other boys my age. I’m always the freakish kid, or so I perceive myself as one.

Ever since I was in my primary school, I never dare to walk along the so called “catwalk” in the cafeteria due to my low self esteem and lack of confidence, because I’m always afraid of how people will look at me. I never thought much about this, but it was not until I brought this matter up to my counselor. She asked me what is it that is freaking me out, and which part of you do you think they’re looking at? It was then that question hit me hard, as I failed to answer on why and where.

A couple weeks ago, Professor Brink saw me walking hastily in the cafeteria; he stopped me and asked me to join him for dinner. No doubt we conversed in perfectly spoken English, but I just couldn’t handle the pressure and glances of the people from other tables. I don’t know why, weren’t I supposed to feel proud of myself for the perfect English?

I found out about my sexual orientation way back when I was only a mere 12 year’s old kid, although I tried hard to deny it. After achieving some really outstanding results in my primary school, I was accepted into the best school in the nation. I wasn’t really happy with it, and yet, I don’t know why. That’s when my performance goes downhill. I was placed in the B grade classes in my second year, and was allocated even further to the C grade classes in my third year. I was naïve to pick up the Science major, and I ended up being in the very last class (we have 9 classes in total).

I knew I should feel blessed for having a couple “Friends” along the way; some were real supportive and nice. But all they do were come and go. I was always the little satellite orbiting around them. People deem me as the soft, nice, loving, friendly guy who’d listen to people’s rants and babbles.

Last week, I literally burst in front of my roommate/”friend” whom I have a real deep crush on, by asking him to think of me more rather than only himself. All the time, out of my liking on him, I listen to him talked on and on about which girl he’s tryi9ng to hit on. Does he ever let me have the chance to talk at least a bit of “me”? Some said I’m a saint, but there are times…no, all the while, I need someone to listen to me talk, to listen to me and in turn, lend me a shoulder.

I’m a little worried about my mental state these few days. I’ve been crying for no reason on the verandah, but still have to act as if nothing bothered me in front of others.

Another thing is, I never really dared to look at my own reflection on the mirror. Due to my dangerously low level of self esteem, I can’t bear to look at my physical feature and will try hard to conceal myself out in the public by engulfing my head with a cap, so low you could barely see my eyes. I always think of myself as ugly and unattractive. I know this sound shallow, but as the nature’s law goes, if you’re gonna find a mate, you’ll need to be pretty. A fact that is real unfair…

At times, how I wish I’m normal like all the others, blindly chasing a bunch of skanky chicks, listen to brainless Chinese songs, play sports. I never really ask for much in my pathetic life, I only want someone whom I can talk from anything to everything, a shoulder to lean on, an embrace, a person to look out and look after for. Maybe you’d say I’m too young to put so much of my mind in these matters, but people just don’t realize how hard it is being different, being me!

Sure, I’m gay, and no doubt, I strongly stand on my gender classification, but sometimes, I just feel as if I’m neither here nor there. I know for a fact that I’m a man, and I won’t change that, but the society has been stressing on and on what and how a guy should really be. Am I not a man if I’m not good at sports? Do I have to exude strong masculinity to show that I am in fact a “man”? Being gay, yeah, sure, I am gay, but I’m not thinking of jabbing an earring, nor dress flamboyantly like some drag, or flaunt my hand and walk like some freak that has a stick in the butt.

Feeling neither here nor there is depressing, like a freaking bat, or a platypus, being alone in a group of being the only one classified into a particular group.

Its hard being and feeling alone all the time. I never said I’m always sitting in my room facing the computer without anyone to talk to. Sure, there are always people around me, surrounding me. And sure, they do talk to me, but guess what, the reason they’ll talk to me is/might because they 1.) have nothing better to do, 2.)no one else to talk to, 3.)Need my help.

I just need someone to talk to, that’s all. A friend, a real friend. Not many people know how or what I’m feeling most of the time because I’m constantly afraid of the possibility of others hating me for being vulnerable. This is a silent plea, I guess.

盛夏光年 Eternal Summer

I haven’t felt this depress for ages. After finished watching the movie Eternal Summer (盛夏光年) last night, I literally cried for more than 2 hours.

What is the definition of the word”friend”? I’ve been hiding my feelings toward HIM ever since I first laid eyes on him. For so long, I listened to him talking, we always have dinner together, and we always share gossips and personal stuff on the verandah, enjoying the chilly wind.

Shou Heng: We’re friends, what can’t u tell me?

Zeng Xing: Would you still be my friend after hearing this?

I never really thought of you as merely a “friend”

I like you.

The scene where they trade this lines made me burst into tears.

The movie opened with a quote saying that a satellite planet will always surround a planet…maybe my life is how this goes, I’m always someone else’s satellite.

Sometimes, I guess everyone has an eternal summer of their own. I never really had any “real” friends whom I can share anything and everything openly. All my life, I keep everything inside me. Sometimes, I just wish there is/was a person in my life whom I can lend a shoulder to cry on. Just when I thought I found the ONE, fate disagrees with me, splitting us on summer of 2005.

Sometimes, I just wished that I should have just been all alone my life, instead of liking the person but at the same time knowing that being together is utterly impossible.

The movie depicts two young boys in Hualien County, one being an overactive kid while the other being a goody two shoes. The story started off as the 2 boys befriending each other as relatively impossible. The goody two shoes, Zeng Xing was a little reluctant to being Shou Heng’s friend. But along the way, their friendship grew. When they were in high school, there came a girl who gets into the relationship of the 2 boys. Zeng Xing loved him but he himself retreat to being the satellite planet of Shou Heng and the girl Hui Jia. While studying in a university in Taipei, things got even worst between the three of them. There came the 921 earthquake. Zeng Xing couldn’t help it but embrace Shou Heng tightly, his first instinct, to protect him. The story ended with Zeng Xing leaved after having sex with Shou Heng, but later on Shou Heng drag him and Hui Jia to the famous Hualien Seven Stars Beach (七星潭), where Zeng Xing confess his feelings to Shou Heng.

Alternatively, the novel which the movie was based on depicts Zeng Xing left after the having sex with Shou Heng. Shou Heng, although secured their friendship with the intimacy, and realized his true feelings towards Zeng Xing, but out of fear and, he broke up with Hui Jia and went on his life until 5 years later, after Zeng Xing died (although the reason remained unexplained), on his memorial, Shou Heng finally confessed that

“我想，原來這就是「懷念」的感覺，懷念一個曾經愛過的人。
當我開始學會懷念了，才終於有勇氣，跟他說一聲。
再見。”

“I guess, this is how missing someone felt, missing someone who I once love. It Is until I learned how to missed, finally I have the courage to tell him, goodbye”

Personally, I’d much prefer the alternative ending, and that the movie could be way better. But still, not a movie since Titanic, Brokeback Mountain, Peaceful Warrior and the latest, The Bucket List come close to milking tears out of me for over 2 hours.