Silent plea.

What are friends?

All these times, I always thought of friends are some people who will be with you, accompany you, share laughter and sorrow together and the deepest secrets in each other’s heart without any sense of despise.

Well, at least that’s what it says in textbooks and the dictionary.

I never really knew what is it like having one of those “friends” people kept talking about. All my life, I knew I was different from the other kids. I think too much, it’s like my mind wandered to some distance area that I never knew of. Mentally speaking, I am always different from other boys my age. I’m always the freakish kid, or so I perceive myself as one.

Ever since I was in my primary school, I never dare to walk along the so called “catwalk” in the cafeteria due to my low self esteem and lack of confidence, because I’m always afraid of how people will look at me. I never thought much about this, but it was not until I brought this matter up to my counselor. She asked me what is it that is freaking me out, and which part of you do you think they’re looking at? It was then that question hit me hard, as I failed to answer on why and where.

A couple weeks ago, Professor Brink saw me walking hastily in the cafeteria; he stopped me and asked me to join him for dinner. No doubt we conversed in perfectly spoken English, but I just couldn’t handle the pressure and glances of the people from other tables. I don’t know why, weren’t I supposed to feel proud of myself for the perfect English?

I found out about my sexual orientation way back when I was only a mere 12 year’s old kid, although I tried hard to deny it. After achieving some really outstanding results in my primary school, I was accepted into the best school in the nation. I wasn’t really happy with it, and yet, I don’t know why. That’s when my performance goes downhill. I was placed in the B grade classes in my second year, and was allocated even further to the C grade classes in my third year. I was naïve to pick up the Science major, and I ended up being in the very last class (we have 9 classes in total).

I knew I should feel blessed for having a couple “Friends” along the way; some were real supportive and nice. But all they do were come and go. I was always the little satellite orbiting around them. People deem me as the soft, nice, loving, friendly guy who’d listen to people’s rants and babbles.

Last week, I literally burst in front of my roommate/”friend” whom I have a real deep crush on, by asking him to think of me more rather than only himself. All the time, out of my liking on him, I listen to him talked on and on about which girl he’s tryi9ng to hit on. Does he ever let me have the chance to talk at least a bit of “me”? Some said I’m a saint, but there are times…no, all the while, I need someone to listen to me talk, to listen to me and in turn, lend me a shoulder.

I’m a little worried about my mental state these few days. I’ve been crying for no reason on the verandah, but still have to act as if nothing bothered me in front of others.

Another thing is, I never really dared to look at my own reflection on the mirror. Due to my dangerously low level of self esteem, I can’t bear to look at my physical feature and will try hard to conceal myself out in the public by engulfing my head with a cap, so low you could barely see my eyes. I always think of myself as ugly and unattractive. I know this sound shallow, but as the nature’s law goes, if you’re gonna find a mate, you’ll need to be pretty. A fact that is real unfair…

At times, how I wish I’m normal like all the others, blindly chasing a bunch of skanky chicks, listen to brainless Chinese songs, play sports. I never really ask for much in my pathetic life, I only want someone whom I can talk from anything to everything, a shoulder to lean on, an embrace, a person to look out and look after for. Maybe you’d say I’m too young to put so much of my mind in these matters, but people just don’t realize how hard it is being different, being me!

Sure, I’m gay, and no doubt, I strongly stand on my gender classification, but sometimes, I just feel as if I’m neither here nor there. I know for a fact that I’m a man, and I won’t change that, but the society has been stressing on and on what and how a guy should really be. Am I not a man if I’m not good at sports? Do I have to exude strong masculinity to show that I am in fact a “man”? Being gay, yeah, sure, I am gay, but I’m not thinking of jabbing an earring, nor dress flamboyantly like some drag, or flaunt my hand and walk like some freak that has a stick in the butt.

Feeling neither here nor there is depressing, like a freaking bat, or a platypus, being alone in a group of being the only one classified into a particular group.

Its hard being and feeling alone all the time. I never said I’m always sitting in my room facing the computer without anyone to talk to. Sure, there are always people around me, surrounding me. And sure, they do talk to me, but guess what, the reason they’ll talk to me is/might because they 1.) have nothing better to do, 2.)no one else to talk to, 3.)Need my help.

I just need someone to talk to, that’s all. A friend, a real friend. Not many people know how or what I’m feeling most of the time because I’m constantly afraid of the possibility of others hating me for being vulnerable. This is a silent plea, I guess.